Should I tell my daughter I'm not her biological father?

[FTW]

I'll try to make this short. When I met her mother she was like 2 months pregnant. When she told the guy she was pregnant he ran off like a coward never to be seen or heard from again. Me and this woman developed a relationship throughout the time she was pregnant. When she had the baby the father's name was left blank on the birth certificate and the baby was given her mother's last name. We continued the relationship and we eventually got married along with having two other kids.

We decided that we didn't want the first baby feeling a certain way because she had a different last name so we went to records place or whatever and I signed as the father, changing her last name to mine.

Long story short, I've been raising this child as my own basically since she was born and she doesn't know I'm not her biological father. She's 12 year old now. My question is, should I tell her I'm not her biological father at some point? If so, when should I tell her? Or should I just leave things the way they are and have been?

 

[Clutch]

That's an interesting story, and a difficult decision. But what possessed you to pursue a relationship with a pregnant woman in the first place?

 

[FTW]

That's an interesting story, and a difficult decision. But what possessed you to pursue a relationship with a pregnant woman in the first place?

Is there some rule about not pursuing a relationship with a woman who is pregnant?

But to answer your question....I really didn't pursue a relationship with her. We worked together and saw each other everyday. Things just kind of went from there.

 

[RedHot]

I don't see why you wouldn't want to tell her. I would just say do it at a time where she is mentally mature enough to handle it. If what you say is true, then you'll always be her father in her eyes, but she needs to know the truth eventually.

 

[FTW]

I don't see why you wouldn't want to tell her. I would just say do it at a time where she is mentally mature enough to handle it. If what you say is true, then you'll always be her father in her eyes, but she needs to know the truth eventually.

It's not that I don't want to tell her. I just don't want her feel....I don't know, abandon by her biological. Not wanted, you know, even though she has me....she may feel some sort of way. Not apart of the rest of the family. She's very sensitive.

As you said, I would have to do it when she's mentally mature enough to handle it.

 

[LuckyNumber13]

I think you should tell her when she reaches a good age to be able to process that information without losing self-esteem over her unknown father. I would wait until at least 16, maybe older in some cases. Good luck!

 

[dyanmarie25]

Wow. That's a pretty interesting story. It was very kind of you to accept and raise her as though she were your own daughter. I salute you for being man enough to do that. Anyway, I believe that you should really tell her the truth. You should never lie to her about her own identity. She's already 12 years old, and I know she'll be able to understand it.

 

[Intriisst]

This is a tough one, because I'm of the mindset that parents should tell their children this type of thing when the child is very young. Now that she is 12, I would hate to have to try to figure it out. All that being said though, I still think that she should be told as soon as possible. It's important to know your own self, and who you really are.

This thread was started awhile ago, so I wonder if you have told her yet. She is still your daughter in many ways that count, but biologically she is not, and she needs to know that. The sooner the better I think. Sometimes adults don't give children credit, children are very smart and if they are not talked down to, they can understand many things.

I knew from the start that my "mother" was actually my aunt, and that my "daddy" was actually my aunts' husband. It wasn't a big deal for me.
I think things would have been a lot different had they sprung this information on me at 18.

 

[LuckyNumber13]

This is a tough one, because I'm of the mindset that parents should tell their children this type of thing when the child is very young. Now that she is 12, I would hate to have to try to figure it out. All that being said though, I still think that she should be told as soon as possible. It's important to know your own self, and who you really are.

This thread was started awhile ago, so I wonder if you have told her yet. She is still your daughter in many ways that count, but biologically she is not, and she needs to know that. The sooner the better I think. Sometimes adults don't give children credit, children are very smart and if they are not talked down to, they can understand many things.

I knew from the start that my "mother" was actually my aunt, and that my "daddy" was actually my aunts' husband. It wasn't a big deal for me.
I think things would have been a lot different had they sprung this information on me at 18.

You bring up a good point and a side I didn't consider before. This is a tough one, so many scenarios depending on the child and family at play here that it's hard to give advice for.

 

[Intriisst]

You bring up a good point and a side I didn't consider before. This is a tough one, so many scenarios depending on the child and family at play here that it's hard to give advice for.

It is a really hard situation, that's why I'm all for telling the child when they are really young (like right from the beginning), that way it becomes a part of their life early, and that kind of makes it no big deal.
I have a friend who has several kids, but her brother and his wife couldn't have kids, so my friend and her husband got pregnant, had the child and at birth gave the child to the brother.
Me, being someone who was raised by someone other than my biological mother and dad, my advice to my friend was that she needed to tell that little boy that SHE is his real mother and that her husband is his real dad. She said she did not want to be disrespectful to her brother, and that as far as she was concerned the little boy was her brother's child. Only one problem with that. It's a LIE.
They finally got together and told the little boy the truth, he's about 5 years old. He took it really hard. Had they started him off with the truth, it would have been much better in my opinion.